When I was a kid, I liked math. I didn't love it, it wasn't on my list of favorite things to do with my time, but I was fairly good at it without having to try too hard. And it was rational, reasonable. Everything that life wasn't.
I.
In the 11th grade I took Pre-Cal with a teacher who I considered cool. She loved Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings and Star Wars and Star Trek. (I guess that's not most people's definition of "cool", but it certainly was mine.) She had life sized posters of Arwen and Frodo in her room, her clock looked like the unit circle, and she would occasionally show us Star Trek episodes to teach us about sequences and series. I made good grades in her class. Better than I had in the past, maybe because we got to sit on the couch if all our work was turned in, or because she put stickers on our tests if we got 90s or above. Even though I was 17, and thoroughly too old to be swayed by something so trivial, I wanted one of those stickers so bad. And I eventually earned quite a few. It was a good time.
II.
The next year, however, things began to change. Calculus wasn't as easy. The class was larger, the lectures were harder to follow, and I found myself caring less and less about earning that A on my test. By the end I was happy if I passed, and I had never been that person before. I found the classroom barren and impersonal, the teacher distant and unfeeling, and the work impossible. My friends didn't feel like helping me, and I was afraid to ask for help. It was probably the most alone and helpless I had ever felt in school.
III.
I dropped down from the BC calculus class to the AB class the next semester, feeling like a failure. I had always been able to do the very hardest classes offered at my high school, and I didn't like knowing that there were other people out there who could do the work that I couldn't. But I got over it. I was in the same class as my best friend, which helped, and joining me were several other people who didn't want to stay in BC Calculus. I finally began to understand the material, and math became fun again, and even easy at times.
IV.
After coming to realization that I still enjoyed math, I decided to pursue a math-intensive major at UT (Electrical Engineering). As much confidence as I had gained back at the end of high school, I lost a lot of it during that time. But I also began to realize slowly that math wasn't the answer to everything, and it definitely wasn't the answer to me. So after three semesters of struggling through I major I cared less about every day, I finally made the phone call to change my major to Special Education.
V.
The greatest challenge I have faced in math was probably just before I changed majors, when I realized that I was going to have to ask for help if I was going to succeed, and that I really really didn't want to ask anyone to help me. I'm not saying that I regret changing majors, but I do regret never going to anyone for help, because I was so determined to do everything on my own. If I learned anything from that challenge, it was that math is not something to try to do completely alone, no matter how smart you are.
VI.
I wanted to be a special education teacher because of my three cousins who have physical and mental disabilities. But I also have a very personal desire to change the way students think about math, to make it more collaborative even in the upper grades, and to make something so intimidating and isolating become fun again.
